Schneier on Security

Peter A. • October 18, 2021 9:33 AM

Let’s rephrase it in 1970’s terms; maybe in this way it hits home (pun intended):

THE GUVMINT:

OK, many people oppose to all their [analog landline – editor’s note] phone conversations being eavesdropped and all their [paper – ed. note] letters & packages being read & examined by crooks without any warrant & control, effectively treating everybody as violent criminals under suspicion of planning a horrible crime; so let’s put secret agents in everybody’s home instead, make the agents follow you wherever you go, and call the new agency CSS.

The agents will be dressed in camouflage so they would be hardly noticeable, and will not interfere with your daily routine at all, we promise. Oh, maybe the agents would whisper a kind word of warning into your kids’ ears, when they try to play naughty, but will tell you as well, aiding you so much in your parenting (unless the kid is over 13 years old, which means ze is a totally responsible individual and can do whatever ze pleases, unless CSS says no). We promise solemnly CSS agents would only look at the [analog, photo-paper – ed. note] photos you send in the mail to your kids, family & relatives (or maybe play the videotapes[1] you send too; but only in the Old World, so don’t worry) and will never sift through your family albums, your bookshelf, your important documents binders, your doctor’s written recommendations & prescriptions, your love letters, your shopping lists, your very personal notes to self, or your wallet. Never ever!

The CSS agents would receive secret orders solely from us, The Good Guys, so don’t worry. We hire only the deaf-blind, guaranteed, and they’ll never talk back or gesture back at you, no matter how hard you try, so you’ll know they really are. They will only feel and sniff the photos you send out, after being very secretly trained to do so, and will only make a secret mark on the envelope, when they feel or sniff something really, really abhorrent, so your trusty postman can check if it really is, and will tell us a word if he thinks so; so we can double check if your neighbor isn’t a beastly ra..st terr…st mass mur…er. You surely won’t do such horrible thing as sending out photos of [censored], would you? So you have absolutely no reason to worry about your privacy.

We cannot show you our agents’ training material; it is so abhorrent it will blow your mind – but if you manage to get it somehow, we’ll throw you in jail for life, for good measure, because you ARE a ra..st terr…st mass mur…er!

Every new home built throughout the country will have an agent assigned from the moment it’s erected. Old homes will get old and ugly and eventually crumble in a few years or so you’ll have to buy a new one someday.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

THE SHEEPLE:

We’re totally cool about that since it is not wiretapping and therefore does not infringe on our fundamental sheeple rights in any way.

[1] Big, bulky, stringy, stone-age versions of .mov or .mp4 files.